husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. In addition to bolstering his position in our argument it had the nice (for him) side effect of alienating me from all of my friends who I believed were talking crap about me behind my back. If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. OP, go on the trip. I cant imagine getting upset because he went on a business trip. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. Which update is that? OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. My grandmother pays for the trip. Your brain chemistry & brain function is literally abnormal, for a start. (A high crime rate gets lots of news coverage, with dramatic photos; a major reduction in the crime rate doesnt, because TV news doesnt want pictures of people walking down the street in safety with friends, doing their shopping, picnicking in the park.). I say this as an anxiety disorder sufferer who becomes excessively worried when my partner travels for work, but of course I support him regardless of the fact that its stressful for me m y anxiety is on me to manage in a healthy way. Sorry not sorry. Thats pretty seriously delusional thinking. Ask questions like: Why didnt Iget invited? Then listen carefully asheanswers these questions and try not tointerrupt him orjump inwith your own thoughts onthe matter until hes finished explaining his reasoning, even ifitfeels like aneternity. It is easy to go to Las Vegas and behave responsibly. Your wife is doing a normal thing and has given no signs she isnt anything but committed to you. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? It doesnt seem like he has much ability to manage his own emotionshes unloading them on you to manage insteadand thats a skill all adults should learn, I think. And not for couples counselling, either she needs to work on strategies to deal with him. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. Sometimes, friends are there after husbands are gone. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Doesnt really matter. You can even pick up brochures of holiday packages. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. He wants me to refuse to go, but I think I could lose my position in the company or be treated differently. Hes a control freak who will beg, lie and manipulate every situation to get his way. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. Just my two cents. I noticed that as well. I went to Vegas for work once. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). My husband would answer that question with Only if its inside. My associatons annual conference rotates between about six places, and even in big cities like Chicago and Philly we need to use three nearby hotels to have enough meeting rooms and hotel rooms. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). I need you to stop doing that. (Im also concerned that hes collecting votes from his friends about whether to allow you to golike, wow, not only does he not trust you to make a decision, hes giving you a whole list of people who he apparently trusts more than you?) I have the same problem and have since I was a child. I dont think you necessarily need to fear him, but as other commenters have said, there are parts of this that seem dangerous and disturbing from our perspective. The reality of the place is really NBD. You and a therapist will be able to figure that out and take next steps. And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. The husband is acting like a jerk and the OP needs to figure out whether this is something/someone she can live with and whether he is capable of improving. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. I agree with Alison here. This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. Maybe Im wrong. I have to remind myself of that sometimes; I think you should remind yourself that too. Vegas is an extremely popular destination for conferences and business trips. The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. The threading makes it a little unclear, but thats not the part under discussion: Top-Level Comment: If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag., Response: Or its an indication that they live in a different culture than the one you know.. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Nah, its not legal in Reno either their county did not legalize it. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. Also made me think about the impact TV can have on our beliefs about the world. So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. We have been arguing and I just don't know what to do. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! One of our Bright Side readers sent us an e-mail pouring her heart out about a tricky situation she's going through. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. There are also lots of cool little museums as well. We look out for each other. But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. Good luck to you in standing firm. Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. Ill wait. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. Could be true. But in her mind, as another comment perfectly said, as soon as the sun sets, everyone is a drunk driving, human trafficking, drug kingpin. It got dark on my (2-hour!) Its literally the opposite of a fun wild weekend. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. One learns to cope AT&T helps, also. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. The more I advance in my company, an the more trips I take, the harder it gets. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. Thanks. Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. Yeah, I was in Vegas just a couple of weeks ago. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. The first time I visited Scotland (as an undergrad) I was on a school trip and we went to Orkney, in the far north. Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. Scheduled calls are a great idea. After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. So thats what Ive been doing wrong all these years! This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. Sorry for the confusion. Same here. . husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. But thats true everywhere, and you can easily avoid said trouble by, you know, not doing something stupid. What level of dealing with him can you actually do during these three days AND be able to focus on your work stuff? (also +1000 to RabbitRabbit for anxiety manifesting as control theyre not necessarily separate). He is asking the wrong people. Nikada / iStock. Besides, the OP is going to spend most of her time in a conference room that looks like every other conference room in the western world, anyway. And ate a lot of food. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. Meaning they side with the wife on this one. Certainly the OP needs to be careful with couselors. I thought my mom was the only one like this. I deal with those worries by making sure he has the tools he needs to accommodate those shortcomings, not by hobbling his life. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Absence doesnt make the heart grow fonder, it ruins relationships and I am 3 decades in. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. Please whitelist our site to get all the best deals and offers from our partners. And in 2 days Im heading east solo for a wedding. So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! Businesses plan conferences in Las Vegas because the rooms are dirt cheap, not because theyre planning some sort of raucous party. When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. Dont get hit by a stray printer that someone threw out a window in a rage while you have a cuppa with a buddy outside! It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. If it didn't work you were stuck with a super cringe photo until the next time you tried to get everyone together. He stresses less when I go somewhere urban. He couldnt leave her in a peace for five minutes on her last business trip, and is questioning the companys motives, all while she is the primary breadwinner? None which should be affecting your ability to do your job. At tax time we make about the same but for my emergency calls its hard to keep up. FWIW, I am a married woman and had to travel to Vegas many times for work, and had to drive to dozens of locations the entire time. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. My husband was very upset. I wish you the best. It will improve not only this small piece of your relationship, but his whole life. Your husband has insane insecurity issues. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. Most of them. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. This is a relationship problem, not a work problem. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. If he was just bummed to be at home alone while shes gone, or something. is a really good sign! Yes, this. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. It made no sense. FWIW, my husband went on a business trip to Vegas last year when I was pregnant and feeling like crap. All rights reserved. I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. Since its the church he was raised in, she feels like his judgement rules on that. Honestly, it feels awful. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. Its a lot different than when I first went in 1989, but even then it was quite suitable (ideal, actually) for a business conference. My husband wants to bring his mother on our European vacation. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. Maybe LW could ask her own friends opinions, and LW, if you cant think of anyone to ask, is that because husband has systematically eliminated outside relationships? The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Because of that, my parents said I can bring a friend. Their convention centers are clean, there are plenty of facilities for customer parties, etc. As to the question of WHY businesses have meetings in Las Vegas, its because the hospitality industry there gets it. My partner has some anxiety when I travel to remote, rural areas by car, especially when I am alone. People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. What happens in Vegas was a successful ad campaign that ran its course a long time ago, not a requirement for how to treat the trip. Plus, I like to travel so it was a good excuse. So I get the safety concern. This is control issues and fear and jealousy and toxic masculinity, not a thing that needs compromising on or a relationship issue. So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. Youve talked about what your husband thinks of the trip, and what you reckon the impact of going and not going would be on your career. I also had this thought. Oh thats my mothers thing, too. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? I also dont think cultural relativity is relevant when OP is clearly uncomfortable with his behaviour. If you dont trust me, and I have not given you reason not to, were done. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Its the relationship version of all of the my boss wont let me resign letters! I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. Where is he staying. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. If your job is like mine, youll be standing all day training people on new products and campaigns and be totally exhausted at the end of the day. If your husband wont go to counseling, go alone. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. (I do apologize that my intention to be helpful wasnt completely clear). Exactly this. Until I heard the week after that everyone was kept so busy that they really didnt have time or energy to do any of the fun stuff. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. Except I divorced mine. Or his response could give her more information about what is really on her husbands mind. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. The extent of our excitement is shopping at the outlets, maybe visiting Hershey and watching movies in our PJs. Your friend is a wise woman. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. I was fine. Pricey, but worth it! Hope youre all right, OP. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. It is in some Nevada counties, but not Clark County (which includes Vegas.) When your income is needed, you can take fewer risks by opting out of stuff at work. You can drink and dance and play roulette in 43 of the 50 states. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. You should protect your son! I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). OP, go on your trip, focus on what youre there to do, and for those couple days at least, dont worry about how your husband is feeling about it. Theres like 1 hour of down time. OPs husband sounds like my mom. I definitely do know what you mean, and what the OP describes is definitely on the problematic side of asking for permission she listed off reasons the husband has given that she shouldnt go to this particular place, not reasons why it would be logistically difficult for him or any other rational concerns. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. Its important to you, and take not unreasonable that your employer would want you to go, nor is it an unreasonable place to go. Many manage to avoid devil-worshipping sex orgy kidnapping extravaganzas for almost the entire year. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. But theres no letting about it. If you bring consoling up, will he go? I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. Its so odd that he seems so fixated on Vegas (which can be perfectly harmless, I went there many times as a small child and turned out just fine).

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